It’s all Relative!

It’s been quite a while since I left school and my science textbooks behind, so I don’t really remember if I studied Einstein’s Theory of Relativity in any great detail. I think I’m with the general majority who know on some level that E=mc2 is one of the most happening equations in the world of Physics, but not too sure what the fuss is all about.

Now I’m no genius like Einstein was, but I’ve come up with my own explanation for E=mc2 (my sincere apologies to poor old Albert who must be turning in his grave at this blasphemy), one that is based on Chemistry and Biology - the chemistry each of us shares (or wished desperately we didn’t share) with biological relatives, the ones who are relatively far in terms of blood, but who consider themselves relatively close when it comes to poking their noses into your private affairs.

E = number of inquisitive Enquiries you get at family functions and random meetings

m = the number of years you escape the Matrimony noose from the time you hit puberty or from the time your older siblings get married

c = the number of Childless years once you get married or the number of years after your younger siblings become parents

Do the Math, and if your calculations are right, you’ll soon figure out how match-making ideas and creative tips for procreation increase in direct proportion to the number of years you remain single or childless! The catalyst in this reaction changes according to the nature of the meeting - so weddings and baby-related events add fuel to the fire while chance meetings are relatively tamer in comparison. However, questions in a crowd are easier to deflect than those that are shot at you when you’re caught solo and unawares.

As the years go by, one or both of two things happen – the relative intensity of the enquiries decreases, and/or you develop buffalo skin along the lines of the Survival of the Thickest theory (again, my apologies to Darwin for paraphrasing his postulation) and become an expert in deflecting the most embarrassing questions and insinuations without batting an eyelid.

More time moves on, and one fine day, you start to realize that you're relatively outside the firing range because younger and more eligible relatives have become sitting ducks and ripe targets. You heart does a little jig! Oh, the joy of freedom, of being able to move around without having to skulk in the shadows and duck out of sight every time you see a question-loaded gun trained on you!

But wait…what’s that fleeting thought you had when you saw a PYT walk in through the door, dressed in her finest and looking as radiant as the sun? Did your mind just pair her up with your first cousin twice removed and suggest that they would make a great couple in a flash of a second? And did you not smile to yourself at the slight bulge you thought you saw in your sister’s husband’s sister’s daughter’s midriff, the one who got married barely a year ago?

Damn! Is this what they call the Circle of Life?